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أنـحـنـي إحـترامـا للـمـسـيـحـيـين

2012-01-30T07:43:00.001+01:00

أنـحـنـي إحـترامـا للـمـسـيـحـيـين

الكاتب الصحفي الدكتور عبد الرحمن محمد الأيوب

الأردن - عمان

كاتب مسلم في صحيفة أردنية

لماذا يصر علماء الأمة الاسلامية على اقحام أنفسهم في أمور ثانوية لا تأثير لها في حياة المسلمين بينما يبتعدون عن معالجة الأمور الهامة التي تعصف بأمة المليار؟

لماذا لا يقوم هؤلاء العلماء بالدعوة الصريحة لإسقاط أنظمة دول الخليج التي يقف على رأس هرمها حكام أقل ما يمكن وصفهم بحكام عهر والقحط والهوان , فهم مصيبة هذه الأمة ولا أحد سواهم ؟

لماذا يصر هؤلاء العلماء على العيش في زمن"الرويبضة" والتحول الى علماء السلاطين ؟ كثيرة هي الفتاوي التي يطلقها هؤلاء العلماء , فتاوي لا أول لها ولا اخر , بل انها تضر ولا تنفع , فهذا الطنطاوي يحلل بناء الجدار الفولاذي المصري , والقرضاوي يحرمه , وهذا الشيخ يفتي بجواز ارضاع زميل العمل لمنع الخلوة "المحرمة", واخر يفتي بالسماح للشباب بالتدخين في نهار شهر رمضان , وغيرها الكثير من الفتاوي...

في أحد خطبه الأخيرة , دعا رئيس الاتحاد العالمي لعلماء المسلمين فضيلة الشيخ يوسف القرضاوي المسلمين إلى مقاطعة الاحتفالات بأعياد الميلاد المجيد ورأس السنة الميلادية الجديدة ، وحرّم تقديم التهاني والتبريكات للمسيحيين بهذا العيد ، ومنع الاتجا ر بشجرة الميلاد وطقوسها في البلاد الإسلامية ، وكل ما يتعلق بها . وبدوري أسأل الشيخ : ما هو الضرر الذي تسببه لك شجرة الميلاد المزينة بالمصابيح , هذه الشجرة التي ترمز الى الحياة والبهجة والسرور؟ هل فيها ما يعيب الاسلام أو دينهم ، ما الخطأ في أن يقوم المسلمون بتقديم التهاني لاخوانهم المسيحيين في أعيادهم تماما كما يفعل المسيحيون للمسلمين بتقديم التهاني والتبريكات وارسال بطاقات التهنئة لاصدقائهم المسلمين ؟ ..

والسؤال الذي يطرح نفسه , أليس هذا الأمر نوعا من التحريض على الكراهية والحقد الاعمى ؟ وأكثر ما يدهشني أن تتوافق دعوة القرضاوي هذه مع دعوة كبيرالحاخامية اليهودية التي تطالب اليهود بعدم الاحتفال بالأعياد المسيحية وبرموز هذه الاحتفالات مثل شجرة الميلاد وعطايا وهدايا "بابا نويل" التي تنشر الفرحة بين الأطفال , وهي توزع على السواء بين الأطفال المسلمين والمسيحيين وكذلك اليهود فهي رمز للسلام والمحبة تدخل البهجة والسرور الى قلوب هؤلاء الأطفال . الشيخ القرضاوي يرى في هذه الاحتفالات عملا من أعمال التبشير المسيحي , وأما الحاخامية الرئيسية اليهودية فهي ترفض الاحتفالات لأن هذه الحاخامية ترفض الميلاد وترفض العذراء والمسيح معاً . والسؤال المطروح للشيخ القرضاوي المؤمن بالقران الذي كرم السيدة العذراء التي لم تحمل من مشيئة رجل ، "معجزة ما سبقت وما تكررت".. لقد بشرت الملائكة السيدة العذراء بميلاد سيدنا المسيح , ويوم ميلاده هللت ملائكة السماء وأطلت نجمة المشرق هادية إليموقع الميلاد , ورنين صوت الملائكة يطل علي البشرية ويصدح المجد لله في الأعالي وعلي الأرض السلام وبالناس المسرة" ، لقد كرم القرآن الكريم العذراء مريم وخصها بسورة منسوره لتمجيدها وتمجيد وليدها المسيح معجزة الميلاد الإلهية .. لقد بشرت الملائكة بالمولود كما ذكر القرآن الكريم , فلماذا ترفض يا فضيلة الشيخ مشاركة من يرغب من المسلمين اخوانهم المسيحيين احتفالاتهم بعيد ميلاد رسول المحبة والسلام ، بل لماذا تتوافق دعوتك هذه يا سيدي الشيخ وتتزامن مع دعوة كبير حاخامات اليهود ؟ سؤال يطرح نفسه , فهل من مجيب ؟

وبالعودة الى فتوى شيخنا الجليل القرضاوي , فلنطلب من كافة المسلمين باحترامها وتنفيذها فورا, لأن المسيحيين فعلا يشكلون خطرا على البشرية .. وللانصاف فانني أطالبه بأن تكون فتواه شمولية والى أبعد الحدود , بمعنى أن نقاطع كل ما يتعلق بالمسيحيين وليس فقط بشجرة الميلاد البريئة وعيد الميلاد المجيد .. ومن هنا أقول للشيخ الجليل : عليك اصدار فتوى تمنع استخدام كل المنتوجات والمخترعات التي ابتكرها المسيحيون والبوذيون والهندوس واليهود لأنهم كفرة وأعداء لله . فضيلة الشيخ , فلنقاطع كافة الوسائل التكنولوجية المتطورة التي تتمتع بها أنت قبل غيرك , ويتمتع بها وينعم شيوخ الصحوة النفطية الذين أصبحوا من أغنى أغنياء المعمورة بدون أن يبذلوا أي جهد يذكر . فلنقاطع الشبكة العنكبوتية "الانترنت" والتي أوصلها الى ما هي عليه اليوم هو ذلك اليهودي "الماكر" الكافر وعدو الله "بيل غيتس" مؤسس وصاحب شركة المايكروسوفت والذي يعتبر من أغنى أغنياء العالم ان لم يكن أغناهم , ووصل الى ما وصل اليه بفضل عبقريته وليس بفضل سرقته لثروات أمم بأكملها , كما هو حال الملتحين شيوخ الصحراء والذين لولا بترول هذه الصحراء اللعينة لبقوا بدو رحل يسوقون الجمال والحمير. ويا صاحب موقع "اسلام أون لاين" على هذه الشبكة العنكبوتية الساحرة .. والذي هو أنت يا شيخنا الجليل , والذي من خلاله تصدر فتاويك وتطلب من الله أن يهلك الغربيين الذين دمروا الأمتين المسلمة والعربية , ألم يحن الوقت لاغلاق موقعك هذا لأنه لولا بيل غيتس وغيره من الكفار لما تمكنت من ملكه واستخدامه .. هل شجرة الميلاد أصبحت في نظرك تشكل خطرا على الأمة ؟ فاذا كان الجواب نعم , فعليك مقاطعة الشبكة العنكبوتية مقاطعة أزلية لأنها من ابتكار أعداء الله الكفرة .

ولنأخذ الطائرة هذا "المخلوق" العجيب والذي يعود فضل اختراعها للأخوين رايت النصارى الكفرة .. هذه الطائرة يا شيخنا الجليل جعلت بمقدورك الهروب من بلدك .. مصر العروبة ، أكبر دولة عربية تدين بالاسلام وليس بمقدورها صنع سيارة بسيطة جدا .. ولولا هذه المركبة لربما لما وصلت الى من تحتضنك اليوم , ومنها تطلق تصريحاتك النارية وفتاويك الغريبة ضد شجرة ميلاد مسكينة لا ذنب لها .. اليوم تقيم في قطر وتسافر الى كافة بقاع المعمورة بفضل هذه المركبة التي هي من صنع الشياطين , فلماذا لا تطالب بمقاطعتها والعودة الى ركوب الجمال والبغال والحمير , وبذلك نعود قرونا الى الوراء ؟ من قطر حيث قناة الجزيرة الفضائية تتيح لك تقديم برنامجك الأسبوعي الشريعة والحياة , فعن أي شريعة تتحدث وعن أية حياة تتكلم ؟ لقد ابتعدنا عن الواقع لدرجة يصعب بل يستحيل الرجوع اليه .. الشريعة الاسلامية واضحة وضوح الشمس والحياة بسيطة جدا ولكن من يقوم بتعقيدها هو أنت وأمثالك وغيركم ..

السؤال المطروح يا فضيلة الشيخ : هل فعلا لا نزال خير أمة أخرجت للناس , في وقت أرى فيه هذه الأمة تزداد تشرذما وانقساما يوما بعد يوم , ولا أرى أي حل لهذا الوضع لا في الأفق القريب ولا البعيد أيضا .. وفي المقابل نرى الكفرة الصليبيين المسيحيين يقومون بغزو الفضاء الخارجي ليرحلوا اليه وبالتالي سيخلو لك وللأمتين العربية والاسلامية وباقي الشعوب المتخلفة الجو وستحتلوا الكرة الأرضية بأكملها .. فهنيئا لكم !!

الدول النفطية الخليجية تملك من الأموال والثروات ما لا يملكه العالم بأكمله , ولكن هذه الدول وغيرها من شقيقاتها أصابها الجنون عندما سمعت بمرض انفلونزا الخنازير فهبت وبتلهف على اقتناء اللقاح الواقي من هذا المرض والذي ابتكره العلماء النصارى الكفرة الذين يحتفلون بعيد الميلاد المجيد ويزينون بيوتهم بشجرة الميلاد .. ألا يستحق هؤلاء أن تقوم يا فضيلة الشيخ بتقديم التهاني لهم من خلال أجهزة التلفزة والفضائيات التي هي أيضا من صنعهم وتستخدمها أنت وكافة العرب والمسلمين ؟ فلنقاطع يا شيخنا الجليل كافة المنتوجات التي ليس بمقدورنا صنعها .. فإبرة البابور نستوردها من الصين الكافرة الملحدة البوذية وكذلك سجادة الصلاة التي تستخدمها أنت وأمة المليار تستورد أيضا من هذا البلد "اللعين".. ناهيك عن هذا الجهاز الشيطاني"الجوال" الذيي وصلنا بكافة بقاع المعمورة خلال ثوان معدودة وأهم البلاد المنتجة له هي فنلندا ، فعلينا مقاطعتها ومقاطعة جهازها حتى نكون منصفين , ولن ننكر كذلك لأنه لا يمكن أن تستمر الحياة اليوم بشكلها الحضاري التكنولوجي بدونه وبدون غيره من عناصر ومبتكرات التكنولوجيا التي تتطور يوما بعد يوم بفضل هؤلاء العلماء "الكفرة". ونطالب أيضا جميع المحلات التجارية وبكافة أنواعها بعدم استيراد المنتوجات الغربية وبيعها لأنها من صنع الكفرة "الملاعين".

كيف يتجرأ القرضاوي على اصدار فتوى أقل ما يمكن وصفها بأنها تافهة تطالب التجار بمنع بيع شجرة عيد الميلاد لأنها تؤذي مشاعر الـمسلـمين ، في الوقت الذي يقوم فيه هو نفسه والملاييين من المسلمين باستنكار أقوال مسيحيي أوروبا بأن بناء المساجد والماذن في بلادهم يؤذي مشاعرهم الـمسيحية ؟ ألم تقم الدنيا ولا تقعد وبحق عندما قام بعض ضعفاء النفوس بالتعدي والتطاول على الدين الاسلامي والمسلمين ونبيهم ؟ ألا يحتفل المسلمون في العالم الغربي بشهر رمضان والأعياد الاسلامية ؟ ألا يمارس المسلمون طقوسهم الدينية بحرية في هذه البلاد , ولا أبالغ عندما أقول بأنهم يتمتعون بحرية عبادة فيها أكثر من البلاد العربية والاسلامية .. ومن هنا نقول للقرضاوي وغيره اذا أردتم أن يقوم الغرب باحترام المسلمين فعليكم انصاف من لا يدين بالاسلام في بلادكم العربية والاسلامية .

وللقرضاوي أقول يا فضيلة الشيخ : اذا كانت نهضة الأمة العربية والاسلامية وكرامتهما وعزتهما ترتبط بمقاطعة هذه الشجرة "المسكينة" وعدم الاتجار بها فانني سأكون أول من سينفذ فتواك ؟ وإذا تمكن الشيخ الجليل من مقاطعة شجرة الميلاد وأفلح في إزالتها من المحال التجارية وحياتنا بشكل عام ، فهل يتمكن أن يمنع من حياتنا ، كل المنتوجات والرموز الصليبية ، بدءا من الماكدونالد ، مروراً بالنوكيا وانتهاءا بالبوينغ على سبيل المثال لا الحصر، وهي تعود بفوائد وعوائد خرافية على هؤلاء "الصليبيين" ، وأكثر بكثير من مجرد شجرة ميلاد ؟ وهل بمقاطعة الميلاد ورأس السنة الميلادية الجديدة والشجرة والمسيحيين تحل كل مشاكل وأزمات المسلمين المستعصية ؟..لماذا لا يقاطع القرضاوي ويتجاهل ، فعلاً ، لا قولاً ، المسيحيين ، وكل ما يتعلق بالمسيحيين ، ويوقف كافة أشكال التعامل معهم ، وهل يستطيع ، ولن يستطع , لأنه ليس بوسعه أن يوقف عجلة الحياة .. هذه العجلة التي تدور وباستمرار بفضل أولئك "الكفرة" أعداء الله والمسلمين من المخترعين والمبدعين .

بدلا من اصدار فتاوي مخزية لا معنى لها , عليكم يا معشر الشيوخ الأجلاء المطالبة في خطبكم العرب والمسلمين منافسة الغرب والتفوق عليهم , فاطلبوا العلم ولو في الصين ..عليكم بالمطالبة بمحو الأمية في بلادنا العربية والاسلامية , ومصر أكبر دولة عربية تعصف بها حالة من الأمية لا يمكن وصفها .. لا تنسى اننا في القرن الحادي والعشرين , الغرب يغزو الفضاء الخارجي ونحن نقوم بمنع النساء من قيادة السيارات .

نعم , اننا أمة ضحكت من جهلها الأمم .. فارحمنا يا فضيلة الشيخ !!!

تحديث المسميات والاوضاع

2012-01-29T15:04:00.000+01:00

* بيقولك مرة شعب طلب حرية.. لبس حرية وعدالة.

* بصتله و عينيها بتدمع وقالتله: خلينا إخوان أحسن.

* في السنة اللي فيلم شارع الهرم حقق أعلى إيراد يومي في تاريخ السينما المصرية إخترنا حزب ديني عشان يحكمنا.‎

* اللي باعك في الميدان .. بكره يبيعك جوه البرلمان.

* الإخواني الحق هو الذي يثور ليركب الميدان ثم يهدأ ليأخذ البرلمان.

* الجمعة الجاية جمعة يلا نلحق نسكر.

* هذا وقد انقسم الشعب المصري إلى جماعتين، جماعة “التكفير والهجرة” و”جماعة التفكير في الهجرة”.

* يعني إيه البرلمان المصري؟ يعني كله يعيش الوهم و الإخوان ياخدوا المقاعد.

فيلم المرحلة القادمة:

* حسن.. و ربنا يهدي مرقص.

أخبار الفن:

* الفنان طلعت زكريا يعتذر عن فيلم “طباخ الريس” و يبدأ في الإستعداد لفيلم “سواق المرشد”.

* إضطراب في الوسط الفني بعد تغيير أسماء أفلام كريم عبد العزيز إلى “الحاج أبو على” و “واحد من الإخوان”.

*إيناس الدغيدى بعد إرتدائها النقاب تبدأ تصوير فيلم “مذكرات مؤمنة”.

* عمرو دياب في حفلته القادمة:

من كام سنة وأنا إخوان إخوان..

أنا أكتر واحد بيصلي..

كان عندك دقن..

و الأخت عاملة إيه دلوقت ومين هيقيم عليها الحد، قولولها لو فى صالحها، تتحجب وأصحالها...

ولسه بتحبه يا سلفى يا سلفى حرام عليك...

يا ريت لبسك يزيد مترين عشان لبسك كدا قصير..

عايز تسيب دقنك كدة سيبها وتعالى على نفسك وحددها.

* فيروز تغير كلمات أغنية البنت الشلبية لتصبح البنت السلفية.

ماذا بعد فوز الإسلاميين بالبرلمان؟

READ MORE

* هيعملو روتانا إخوان .

* تامر حسنى هايبطل غنا لأن صوت المرأة عورة.

* كل ما تيجي تعمل فولو لواحدة هتطلعلك رسالة تقولك: أترضاه لأختك؟

* محدش هيشرب سجاير، كله هايدخن بخور.

* خالد يوسف هيتجلد 60 جلدة على كل فيلم عمله.

* شباب 6 إبريل تغير إسمها إلى فتية السادس من ربيع الآخر.

‎‎* هيغيروا التفاحة اللي على آبل ويخلوها تمرة.

* بدل القطط والكلاب هنربى إبل.

* الشارع حارتين واحدة للسيدات وواحدة للرجالة.

الأخبار في المستقبل:

* إفتتحت اليوم ثلاثة من زوجات السيد الرئيس حفظهن الله فعاليات مهرجان التلاوه للجميع.

* إنخفاض حاد في أسهم شركة جيليت بالبورصة المصرية وأنباء عن نية الشركة بسحب إستثماراتها وماكينات حلاقتها في مصر.

* إقبال شديد من المواطنين في اليوم الثالث من الإنتخابات على طوابير الهجرة أمام سفارة كندا.

* اتحاد الكرة يعلن أنه تخلى عن العقد مع أديداس وسيكون الراعي الرسمي محلات التوحيد والنور

كوميديا الشعب المصري في ليالي البرد

2012-01-21T14:43:00.000+01:00

البرد شديد قوى هذة الأيام فى مصر --------- اليك هذة النكت

في هذه الظروف الساقعة التي تمر بها البلاد .. قرّر نسر العلم تخلّيه عن منصبه، وكلّف طائر البطريق بإدارة شئون العلم والله الموفق

(مع الإعتذار لعمر سليمان)

اطالب بعودة 2011 كانت ادفى كتير !

عيشه , حرية , دفاية كهربائية

انى لا اكذب .... ولكنى اتجمـــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــد

دفايتك شغالة، شرابك في رجلك،آيس كاپك علي دماغك، لحافك اللذيذ، كاكاوك في إيدك.... و إللي يقولك يلا ننزل غززه

درجه الحرارة فى القاهرة 9 و فى نيويورك 6 !! شدوا حيلكوا يا رجاله ، قربنا نوصل العالمية

فاضل حاجه واحده بس ونبقى فى القطب الشمالى رسمى… نشوف بطاريق فى الشوارع

يا جمـــاعـــه اللــي معاه ريمووت التكييف يبطل هزاار أنا إتجمدت من التلج

الجو بيستهبل فاكر نفسه عايش في اوروبا حد يقوله يعيش عيشه اهلة
مبارك كان قالل بركة كل حاجة حتى الشتاء الشعب يريد البرد القديم
أدي اخرة اللعب في التوقيت احنا اسفين يا توقيت

ﻃﺎﻟﻤﺎ ﻣﺼﺮ ﻋﻤﻠﺖ ﺗﻠﺞ ﻳﺒﻘﻰﻧﺘﺼﻞ ﺑﺎﻟﺘﻮﻛﻴﻞ ﻳﻴﺠﻲ ﻳﺸﻮﻓﻬﺎ .. ﺍﺣﻨﺎ ﻭﺍﺧﺪﻳﻨﻬﺎ .. ﻋﻠﻰ ﺍﻧﻬﺎ ﻧﻮﻓﺮﻭﺳﺖﻻ ﻣﺆﺍﺧﺬﺓ

رسالة رقم 1 الى المجلس العسكري :" تعاطفكم لوحده مش كفاية ادوا لكل مواطن دفاية "

عاجل : التلفزيون المصري ينفي الشائعات و يؤكد ان درجة الحرارة ٣٢ و يحث المواطنين ( الشرفاء ) علي التوجه للشواطئ و الحدائق العامة

نفسي اعرف مين البارد اللي كتبلنا في منهج المواد الاجتماعية من صغرنا ان جو مصر 'دفئ' ممطر شتاءاًً؟؟!!

Genius student with a big FAT Zero!

2012-01-20T09:51:00.001+01:00

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

David, Michael & Mohamed

2012-01-15T11:37:00.000+01:00

Two guys lost in the Sahara desert, one is David and the other is Michael..
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirates with a mosque in the middle.

David said to Michael: "look, let's pretend we're Muslim,otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I'm going to call my self "Mohammed".

Michael refused to change his name, he said: "My name is Michael,and I won't pretend to be other than who I am...Michael".
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names,

David said: "my name is Mohammed" Michael said: "my name is Michael"
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said:
Please bring some food and water for Michael only"

Then he turned to the other and said: "Marhaba Mohammed, Ramadan Kareem"***

تلخيص مصر في كام سطر

2012-01-10T15:54:00.000+01:00

تلخيص مصر في كام سطر

الإسلام مش عبد المنعم الشحات

....والمسيحية مش نجيب ساويرس

.....والحرية مش علياء المهدى....

والجيش مش المجلس العسكري ...

ومبارك مش عيان ....

وأنت مش أنت وأنت جعان...

أحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الدين...

عندنا أزمة في الأخلاق...

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الذكاء...

...عندنا أزمة في الفهم...

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في النكت...

عندنا أزمة في المرح...

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الحب...

عندنا أزمة في المحبة والاحتواء..

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الصنعة...

عندنا أزمة في الضمير...إحنا ما عندناش أزمة . . . . . .

. . . إحنا الأزمة

من الصدفة أن يكون

2012-01-10T15:48:00.000+01:00

من الصدفة أن يكون

مدمر ليبيا معمرها

..
وقبيح تونس زينها

..
وجبان سوريا أسدها

..
ومفسد اليمن صالحها

وملعون مصر مباركها

سبحان الله

Spanish Gender

2012-01-06T18:10:00.003+01:00

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humor.

حوار مع مواطن دمه خفيف

2012-01-04T15:27:00.000+01:00

حوار مع مواطن دمه خفيف

يقال إن 87%من الشعب المصرى ساخطون على الحكومة المصرية - ما تعليقك؟

- الـ13% الباقيين أكيد معاهم جنسيات أخرى.

هل لك أقارب استشهدوا فى الحرب؟

- لأ.. عندى أقارب استشهدوا فى السلام.. "السلام 98" طبعاً.

ما وجه الشبه بين السد العالى وأمن الدولــة؟

- الإثنان مصدر "للكهرباء"!!!

لماذا يطلق المصريون على زوجاتهم لقب "الحكومة"؟

- لصعوبة تغييرها مهما تسببت فى كوارث.

................................

أين يمكنك أن تلاحظ سوء نية المصريين؟

- عندما يغنون للطفل البريء بمنتهى الخبث قائلين.. "يا رب يا ربنا - تكبر وتبقى زينا".

إمتى بتحس إن البلد حلوة؟

- ما بأحسش إن بلدنا حلوة غير لما داليدا بتقول: "حلوة يا بلدى"... بغض النظر إنها قالتها وانتحرت!!!

تقرير: 60% من الرجال المصريين بـ"يشَخَّروا" وهم نائمون.. ما تعليقك؟

- الـ40% الباقيين بـ"يشخُروا" وهما صاحيين.

ما الفرق الأهم بين مصر وأمريكا؟

- الفرق الأهم إن عائد السياحة من الهرم المزيف الموجود فى لاس فيجاس مائة ضعف عائد السياحة من الهرم الحقيقى فى الجيزة.

ما أهم قاعدة موجودة في مصر؟

- إن مفيش قاعدة لأى حاجة..

بماذا ستجيب كمصرى عند سؤالك عن عمرك فيما أفنيته بعد عمر طويل؟

- أفنيته فى إشارة قصر النيل مستنيها تفتح، وفى صلاح سالم مستنيه يتحرك، وعلى كوبري أكتوبر مستنى لما رئيس الوزراء يروح بيته.
................................

من المستفيد من الزحام الذى يسيطر على شوارع القاهرة؟

- شركات المحمول.. كله واقف فى الإشارة ماسك الموبايل بيخلص شغل أو بيعتذر عن التأخير أو بيسلى نفسه على الأقل، وبالتالى تعتبر الإدارة العامة للمرور هى المستفيد الثانى من مخالفات استخدام المحمول أثناء القيادة.

ما الفرق بين الزوجة المصرية والزوجة اللبنانية؟

- 40 كيلو جرام.

إشي إشي/ وهي بالقميص الشفتشي

2011-12-28T17:21:00.003+01:00

بقلم: ياسـر قطامش

حدثتنا العفريتة إشي إشي/ وهي بالقميص الشفتشي
قالت: ذهبت للاطمئنان/ علي عمو مبارك وطنط سوزان
ودخلت المستشفي/ وأنا أتخفّي
فسمعتهما يتهامسان/ قالت سوزان/
كده يا زين الرجال/ يا أبوعلاء وجمال
فضلت تغني عليّه/ وتقول لي أنا رئيس الجمهورية/ وأنا بتاع الضربة الجوية
لحد ما انضربنا واتوحلنا/ واتفضحنا واتبهدلنا/
فقال: اسكتي يا سوزان/ أنا صايم وتعبان/ ومش ناقصك إنتي كمان/
فقالت: ياما كان في نفسي/ أشوف جمال علي الكرسي/
واللي حازز في قلبي يا (روكه)/ إن بتوع الثورة خدونا في دوكة/
وخلّوني ما اتهناش/ بلوحة الخشخاش/
دي أكيد عين وصابتنا/ وقلبت حياتنا/
أنا عارفة إنها عين المقروصة زوبة/ زوجة حسين سالم الأروبة/ من يوم ما زارتنا في قصر العروبة/
وشافت طقم الصالون المعتبر/ اللي لهفناه من لويس السادس عشر/
وبصت لي بعينها اللي تندب فيها رصاصة/ وقال إيه؟ عزمت عليا بشيكولاتة ومصاصة/
وضحكت ولعلعت/ وبعدها الثورة ولعت/
فنظر لها مبارك وتنحنح/ وجاله صداع وترنّح/
وقال: كفاية يا هانم/ والله يابخته حسين سالم/
ابتسمت له الدنيا/ وهرب لإسبانيا/
الدور والباقي علينا/ ياتري هايعملوا إيه فينا ؟/
قالت: ما قلت لك وحياة أبوك/ يللا نهرب علي تبوك/
فقلت دي زوبعة في فنجان/ وبكره المولد ينفض من الميدان/
ويرجعوا يهتفوا لي زي زمان/ اخترناك اخترناك/ يللا يا ريس و احنا وراك/
ونسيت أنك كنت بتضايق الشعب وتخوفه/ وتعمل الحاجه اللي تقرفه/ وحتي ريشه كنت بتنتفه/
ما أنت لو كنت رئيس ناصح/ ما كنش حصل اللي حصل يا فالح/
فقال: يعني أنا اللي غلطان/ يا ست سوزان/
مش انتي اللي أقنعتيني بالتوريث/ بأسلوبك الخبيث/
وابنك جمال افتكر نفسه عنده مهارات/ وساق الهبل في لجنة السياسات/
واتلم علي عز/ اللي فضل في ودنه يوزّ/
ونفضّوا للشعب وحلقوا له/ وخوفوّه وبرّقوا له/
واتقاسموا مع اللي نهب واللي سرق/ لحد ما الطبيخ اتحرق/
وحصل اللي حصل/ واحنا نايمين في العسل/..........................ادخل على الباقي
قالت: ما كله منك يا بركة/ لو كنت عملت كام حركة/
وشلت شريف والعادلي وسرور/ ماكنش جه علينا الدور/
لكن قعدت تقول لي (حللو يا حللو)/ خليهم يتسلوا/
وفضلت تلعب اسكواش/ وتيجي في الهايفة و تقول لي بلاش/
لحد ما عقلي باظ/ وكان نفسي في الكوليه الألماظ/
بتاع الأميرة سميحة/ وهزأتني عليه وعملت فضيحة/
وقعدت تصبغ شعرك/ أهو ربنا طول عمرك/
لغاية ما اتخلعت ونخيت/ قال: أنا لم أخلع بل اتنحيت/
وكفاية نأورة يا غالية/ انتي نسيتي لهطة المهلبية/ بتاعت مكتبة الاسكندرية/
والنهب السريع/ في مهرجان القراءة للجميع/
ومشروعك الخيبان/ المجلس القومي للنسوان/
قصدي للمرأة اللي عملتيه/ وقرفت الناس بيه/
والوزراء اللي كانوا بيبوسوا إيديكي/ ويقولوا (الله عليكي)/
قالت: طيب عجبك اللي كلوا خيرك/ وماحدش جابهم في المناصب غيرك/
دلوقتي بيطالبوا بمحاكمتك/ أنت و أسرتك/
فجأة وبدون مقدمة/ صاح الحاجب (محكمة)/
فقال مبارك: خضتني جتك العمي/
أنا برئ وحياة ستي بتاعت سد الحنك/ اللي قالت لي يا فرعون ايه اللي فرعنك/

Clever marketing

2011-12-27T19:09:00.002+01:00

Thanks to my good friend Mona

U might hv gotten this 1 b4
Subject: Clever marketing
To:

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?

This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism ... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross.

In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the Cross and said: 'Moishe,

look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Five surgeons

2011-12-27T06:03:00.000+01:00

Five surgeons in some big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains ,and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable

نصف حياة (من أجمل ما كتب جبران )

2011-12-23T08:38:00.002+01:00

لا تصادق أنصاف الأصدقاء

لا تقرأ لأنصاف الموهوبين، لا تعش نصف حياة، ولا تمت نصف موت،

لا تختر نصف حل، ولا تقف في منتصف الحقيقة، لا تحلم نصف حلم، ولا تتعلق بنصف

أمل، إذا صمتّ.. فاصمت حتى النهاية،

وإذا تكلمت.. فتكلّم حتى النهاية، لا تصمت كي تتكلم، ولا تتكلم كي تصمت.

إذا رضيت فعبّر عن رضاك، لا تصطنع نصف رضا، وإذا رفضت.. فعبّر عن رفضك،

لأن نصف الرفض قبول.. النصف هو حياة لم تعشها، وهو كلمة لم تقلها،

وهو ابتسامة أجّلتها، وهو حب لم تصل إليه، وهو صداقة لم تعرفها.. النصف هو ما

يجعلك غريباً عن أقرب الناس إليك، وهو ما يجعل أقرب الناس إليك غرباء عنك،

النصف هو أن تصل وأن لاتصل، أن تعمل وأن لا تعمل،

أن تغيب وأن تحضر.. النصف هو أنت، عندما لا تكون أنت.. لأنك لم تعرف من أنت.

النصف هو أن لا تعرف من أنت .. ومن تحب ليس نصفك الآخر… هو أنت في مكان

آخر في الوقت نفسه!!..

نصف شربة لن تروي ظمأك، ونصف وجبة لن تشبع جوعك،

نصف طريق لن يوصلك إلى أي مكان، ونصف فكرة لن تعطي لك نتيجة..

النصف هو لحظة عجزك وأنت لست بعاجز.. لأنك لست نصف إنسان. أنت إنسان..

وجدت كي تعيش الحياة، وليس كي تعيش نصف حياة!!

ليست حقيقة الإنسان بما يظهره لك … بل بما لا يستطيع أن يظهره

لذلك … إذا أردت أن تعرفه فلا تصغي إلى ما يقوله …. بل إلى ما لا يقوله .

” جبران خليل جبران “

Law of the Garbage Truck

2011-12-21T03:50:00.003+01:00

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out
of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded,and missed the other car by just inches!
The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that?
This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,
'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.
They run aroundfull of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger,
and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up,they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work,
at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people
Do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,

So ... Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

WHY AM I MARRIED?

2011-12-18T10:24:00.000+01:00

You have two choices in life.
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds.
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing.
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' __________

'A Woman's Prayer.

Dear Lord, I pray for :-

Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him.

Patience - for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for strength then I'll just beat him to death'

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush

البلد دلوقتى

2011-11-27T08:21:00.001+01:00

البلد دلوقتى عاملة زى

واحد أخرس

بيقول لواحد أطرش

ان فى واحد اعمى

شاف واحد مشلول

بيجرى خلف واحد اقرع

علشان يشد شعره

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER

2011-11-21T09:31:00.001+01:00

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? (Valid point!)

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

........Read on......

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

With age, comes wisdom ! ! !

2011-11-15T07:20:00.001+01:00

The guys were on a bike tour.

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy who slept with Mick, comes to breakfast the next morning, with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you ?"

He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful !"

He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn to sleep with Mick. He was a tanned, older biker, a real man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning !" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age, comes wisdom ! ! !

Poor president

2011-09-30T19:59:00.000+02:00

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you
please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me
your ID."?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't
think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president
of the United States of America."

Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the
regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and
forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will
tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must
follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods
came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out
his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to
prove that you are really the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says:
"Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a
single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

2011-06-22T16:28:00.000+02:00

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hopedI wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .. ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'

' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .

' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . .. had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
ONE MORE --

Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

Reply to all

Forward

Foul Grammar !

2011-06-13T06:27:00.000+02:00

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a fucking saving acct."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg ur pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."
She goes to the bank manager to complain.
Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted.
They both return to the window & ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
Old man: "There is no fucking problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the fucking lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this fucking bank."
Manager: "I see, And is this bitch giving u a fucking hard time sir?"

Moral of the story:
When money talks, nobody checks the Grammar!

Installing a Husband 1.0 version

2011-05-26T15:56:00.000+02:00

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1..0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommendCooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

MURPHY'S ADDITIONAL LAWS

2011-03-17T12:46:00.000+01:00

1) Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
2) Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always flow towards the non-smoker.

3) Your road to success is always under construction.
4) Alcohol does not solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
5) It's funny but In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
8) Everyone has a scheme of getting rich? Which never works until you cheat.
9) The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

10) He who has the gold, makes the golden rules and those who don't have gold follow them.
11) Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
12) When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
13) If you have paper, you don't have a pen! If you have a pen, you don't have paper! if you have both, no one calls.
14) You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

Save the Village

2010-11-12T18:31:00.000+01:00

Sardarji is studying in the West as he is calling his mom:

Sardarji: Mom, I have bad news for you; I have AIDS.

Mother: Don't come back my son, please.

Sardarji: Why Mom ?

Mother: If you come back then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from ourmaid to your dad, from your dad to my sisterand from my sister to her husband, from himto me and from me to our driver, from ourdriver to your sister and if your sister got AIDS, then...the whole village will be infected !...
So in the name of GOD please save our village. Don't come back !...

Education....

2010-11-02T11:07:00.002+01:00

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies “My wife”.

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

2010-10-27T22:03:00.000+02:00

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration...
"Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl
had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then, I wouldn't have a siren."

Great names in history

2010-08-20T21:43:00.000+02:00

Napoleon........

"The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people,
But because of the silence of good people!"
Einstein.........
"I am thankful to all those who said NO to me.
It is Because of them I did it myself.."

Abraham Lincoln.........
"If friendship is your weakest point, then you are the strongest person in the world"

Shakespeare..........
"Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of Sorrow!
But It Means That They Have The Ability To Deal With It".

Willian Arthur.........
"Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them".

Shakespeare.....
"Never Play With The Feelings Of Others, Because You May Win The Game But The Risk Is That You Will Surely Loose The Person For Life Time".

Hitler.....
"When You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You,
But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You."

Shakespeare............. "Coin Always Makes Sound, But Currency Notes Are Always Silent.
So When Your Value Increases, Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"

John Keats........
"It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone, But It Is Very Hard To Win Someone"

ON MARRIAGE...

2010-07-27T15:28:00.001+02:00

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead..
________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.' __________

A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .. __________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say,
-- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
We'd be riding the bus, so shut the
hell up.'

Wisdom

2010-07-10T12:51:00.002+02:00

Secret of success?

A reporter asked a bank President:

Sir, What is the secret of your success?

Two words.

And, what are they?

Right decisions.

And how do you make right decisions?

One word.

And, What is that?

Experience.

And how do you get Experience?

Two words.

And, what are they?

Wrong decisions.

Computers can not be fooled

2010-06-25T18:52:00.002+02:00

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's
wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results... He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results
.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
4. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

mechanic&Doctor

2010-06-25T17:18:00.002+02:00

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he
spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the
side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here
for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The
mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves
out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new
one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically
the same work? "

Very Clever

2010-06-21T19:40:00.001+02:00

WHAT A WAY TO BEGIN A SPEECH !!

CLEVER !!

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

The Palestinian Representative's Speech at the UN.

Before beginning my talk I want to tell you a story about Moses.

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,

'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
An Israeli had stolen them.'The Israeli representative jumped up furiously and shouted,

'What are you talking about?

There were no Israelis there then!'

The Palestinian representative smiled and said:
'And now that we have made that quite clear,

I will begin my speech.'

Ol' Blue

2010-06-14T16:31:00.000+02:00

'Ol Blue....
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

AN OLD MAN WITH HIS GIRL FRIEND

2010-06-07T07:51:00.001+02:00

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"

THE BEAUTY OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE UNDONE

2010-06-06T08:05:00.001+02:00

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English could be running the danger of being called verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

I would like to add that if people from Poland are called Poles then people from Holland should be Holes and the Germans Germs!!!!!!

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

2010-05-29T22:04:00.000+02:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and start to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full..
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else --
The small stuff..
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities.. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"

I just did .....

The Good Husband

2010-05-06T09:33:00.000+02:00

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS

High School Exit Exam.....!!

2010-05-05T13:37:00.000+02:00

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct to pass.
High School Exit Exam.....!!
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ....ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

An Obituary printed in the London Times

2010-05-01T17:19:00.000+02:00

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge)....................... His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Understanding Engineers

2010-04-30T18:09:00.000+02:00

Understanding Engineers – One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers – Two To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers – Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him.
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" ................
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers – Four What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers – Five The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers – Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers – Seven Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers – Eight An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

GREAT NEWS "AT LONG LAST"..... Euro.Commision official language!!

2010-04-30T08:53:00.000+02:00

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. ......................
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peple wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

A woman without her man is nothing

2010-04-29T13:07:00.000+02:00

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful

Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?

2010-04-27T13:30:00.000+02:00

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Now I know whats wrong with me, finally!!!!

2010-04-25T08:47:00.000+02:00

Now I know whats wrong with me, finally!!!!
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold......................As I head toward the kitchen wi th the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on to the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming

The Whys of Men (R) written by women!

2010-04-23T18:04:00.000+02:00

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
Much more......
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?
''Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
You're laughing again
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their
day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take
it!

The Darwins are out!!!! HILARIOUS

2010-04-23T09:35:00.001+02:00

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. ...........

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they vote, and they breed!!!***

Will you try Dr Phil Personality Test ?

2010-04-23T09:26:00.002+02:00

Dr. Phil scored 55, he did this test on Oprah and she got a 38...( Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out!)
Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate and it only takes a few minutes.
Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now and not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept.
At many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and in their prospective employees..
It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.
Make sure to change the subject of the email to read YOUR total.
When you are finished, forward this to friends, family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.
Make sure to put 'YOUR' score in the subject box.

Ready?
...................................................................

Begin.

1. When do you feel your best...
A) in the morning
B) during the afternoon and early evening
C) late at night

2. You usually walk...
A) fairly fast, with long steps
B) fairly fast, with little steps
C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
D) less fast, head down
E) very slowly

3. When talking to people you.......
A) stand with your arms folded
B) have your hands clasped
C) have one or both your hands on your hips
D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4... When relaxing, you sit with...
A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
B) your legs crossed
C) your legs stretched out or straight
D) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
A) big appreciated laugh
B) a laugh, but not a loud one
C) a quiet chuckle
D) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
A) welcome the break
B) feel extremely irritated
C) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most....
A) Red or orange
B) black
C) yellow or light blue
D) green&nb sp;
E) dark blue or purple
F) white
G) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
A) stretched out on your back
B) stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...
A) falling
B) fighting or struggling
C) searching for something or somebody
D) flying or floating
E) you usually have dreamless sleep
F) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (B) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (B) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (B) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (B) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e ) 1
10 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINT: Others see you as someone they should 'handle with care'. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.&nbs p;

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting, someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding, someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your frien ds see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively
or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well, know that you aren't.

It's Hell to be Old (PG)

2010-04-21T09:03:00.002+02:00

OLD people have problems that you haven't

even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his

Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical

exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take

this jar home and bring back a semen sample

tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared

at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the

previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man

explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried

with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.......

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. ..........
'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

Getting old

2010-04-19T19:52:00.000+02:00

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question...

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got aheart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

2010-04-18T08:44:00.001+02:00

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Monday, July 19 th, 2010
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours..
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven– What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

(R) You Need Oil Change!!!!!!

2010-04-14T10:09:00.001+02:00

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
...............

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome!

How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
...
...
....

Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!

Riddle for the true intellectual.

2010-04-13T15:21:00.000+02:00

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are unable to think
this one through.
Here it is:
At exactly the same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing... ......................
What are they both thinking?
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Don't look down!

Presence of Mind

2010-04-13T15:10:00.000+02:00

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him.
So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager finished the deal and later said to John……………….,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I woe! As I ‘m impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.
Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and football players up there."
"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.
John replied,
Which team did she play for?"

No fee

2010-04-13T14:56:00.000+02:00

A guy suspected his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective.... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:-

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she.
She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall off tree.
I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

Financial planning

2010-04-12T19:54:00.001+02:00

MEN,,, READ WHAT'S AFTER THE PICTURE!

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

CAP ESTEL TUNNEL

2010-04-11T20:11:00.000+02:00

One of the best advertisements... ever!!!

CAP ESTEL TUNNEL

INDIAN SCHOOL of BUSINESS - LESSON 1

2010-04-09T19:49:00.000+02:00

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president..'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'
And that my friends is how Indians do business.

Short rated "R" spicy jokes

2010-04-09T19:30:00.000+02:00

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
__________ _________ ____________ _________ _________ __
A man is dying of cancer.
His son: 'Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??'..
Answer: 'so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother.'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___________
YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________ __
Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'
Answer: 'Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste'
______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table'.
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: 'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'
____________ _________ _________
Question: 'what's common between a good-looking, faithful, rich
husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?'
'BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND'

Blonde Mortician

2010-04-09T14:29:00.000+02:00

This has to be the joke of the year!
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ......
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ....

So I just switched the heads.'

British hospitality

2010-04-09T14:16:00.001+02:00

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police
officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English
hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

A forwarded joke to heaven

2010-04-09T14:04:00.000+02:00

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.? The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too?'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Soooo....
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke,
but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You and your dogs are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!
Remember that prayer "Lord, please let me be half the person my dog believes I am"?

AUSTRALIAN BUSINESSMEN

2010-04-08T19:33:00.000+02:00

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the
window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
'You doing velly well, only two left!'

CLEAN YOUR KIDNEYS IN LESS THAN $1.00

2010-04-08T19:30:00.000+02:00

This email was forwarded from a friend who is a genuine Doctor
Years pass by and our kidneys are filtering the blood by removing salt, poison and any unwanted entering our body. With time, the salt accumulates and this needs to undergo cleaning treatments and how are we going to overcome this?
It is very easy, first take a bunch of parsley and wash it clean. Then cut it in small pieces and put it in a pot and pour clean water and boil it for ten minutes and let it cool down and then filter it and pour in a clean bottle and keep it inside refrigerator to cool.
Drink one glass daily and you will notice all salt and other accumulated poison coming out of your kidney by urination also you will be able to notice the difference which you never felt before.
Parsley is known as best cleaning treatment for kidneys and it is natural!
Please forward to all your friends!

Unused Items

2010-04-08T16:01:00.000+02:00

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive
young woman. And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' She cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she > sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Top 10 Useless Body Parts

2010-04-08T13:55:00.000+02:00

While the human body has evolved and adapted significantly since the caveman days, a few biological traces of our prehistoric ancestors still remain with us in the form of free-loading body parts we lug around with us, but have no use for. Take a gander at the top offenders!

10. Plica semilunaris

You may not know it, but you have a third eyelid. Pull open the two more noticeable eyelids and take a look -- it's located right in the corner by the tear duct. This small third eyelid is left over from what's known as a "nictitating membrane," which is still present in full form in some animals including chickens, lizards and sharks.

9. Body hair

No doubt we were once hairier. Up until about 3 million years ago, we were covered with body hair. But by the time Homo erectus arrived, the ability to sweat meant we could shed our woolly ways.

8. Sinuses

Doctors don't really know much about sinuses -- only that we have a lot of them. Possibilities for their function range from insulating our eyes to changing the pitch and tone of our voice.

7. Adenoids

Adenoids trap bacteria, but they're also prone to swelling and infection. Just ask any 7-year-old. Luckily, our adenoids shrink with age and are often removed, along with ...

6. Tonsils

Also prone to swelling and infection. If you still have them when you reach your 30s, it's almost an accomplishment.

5. Coccyx

More useful as a game-winning Scrabble word than as part of the anatomy, the coccyx or tail-bone, is made up of several fused vertebrae left over from the olden days when we had tails.

4. Arrector pili

When we were hairier (see No. 9), the arrector pili made the hairs stand on end when we needed to appear bigger and scarier. Now, it just gives us goose bumps.

3. Wisdom teeth

Back in the day, when we ate mammoth meat off the bone and didn't floss afterwards, our teeth tended to fall out. Therefore, when those reserve molars, aka "wisdom teeth," came in, they were welcomed. Nowadays, fluoride and dental plans have made them just a huge pain.

2. Appendix

Darwin claimed the appendix was useful for digestion during our early plant-eating years; it's dwindled down to little since we started eating more digestible foods.

1. Male nipples
Because, why?

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

2010-04-08T13:30:00.000+02:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First.. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She Retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public Places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi'.

I bet you're gonna read this again!

'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

2010-04-07T20:26:00.000+02:00

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, You need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
'The "Funeral Director" would be my first guess.!!'

Retire and Jump

2010-04-07T12:39:00.000+02:00

Upon reaching 65, Bob decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested him to go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours.....
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old man, where's your eyeglasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

What do you make Mr. CEO?

2010-04-07T09:59:00.000+02:00

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Barbara. Be honest. What do you make?"
Barbara, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)
"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make? (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table)
I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologise and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given,
work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life
(Barbara paused one last time and then continued.)
Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything,
I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant. You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
THIS IS WORTH SENDING TO EVERY TEACHER, EVERY CEO, EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW.
Even all your personal teachers like mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, coaches and your spiritual leaders/teachers.
A profound answer!!!

Robin Williams - The Plan! - A MUST READ

2010-04-06T08:47:00.000+02:00

HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK .
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic.
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan.
What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message..
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US / UK / AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them...
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.
6) The US / UK / Australia will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some-place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some-place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lock-up for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '
If you agree with the above, forward it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed if you DELETED it!!

Interesting Forwarded Emails

أنـحـنـي إحـترامـا للـمـسـيـحـيـين

تحديث المسميات والاوضاع

كوميديا الشعب المصري في ليالي البرد

Genius student with a big FAT Zero!

David, Michael & Mohamed

تلخيص مصر في كام سطر

الإسلام مش عبد المنعم الشحات

....والمسيحية مش نجيب ساويرس

.....والحرية مش علياء المهدى....

والجيش مش المجلس العسكري ...

ومبارك مش عيان ....

وأنت مش أنت وأنت جعان...أحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الدين...

عندنا أزمة في الأخلاق...

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الذكاء...

...عندنا أزمة في الفهم...

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في النكت...

عندنا أزمة في المرح...

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الحب...

عندنا أزمة في المحبة والاحتواء..

إحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الصنعة...

عندنا أزمة في الضمير...إحنا ما عندناش أزمة . . . . . .

من الصدفة أن يكون

Spanish Gender

حوار مع مواطن دمه خفيف

إشي إشي/ وهي بالقميص الشفتشي

Clever marketing

Five surgeons

نصف حياة (من أجمل ما كتب جبران )

Law of the Garbage Truck

WHY AM I MARRIED?

البلد دلوقتى

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER

With age, comes wisdom ! ! !

Poor president

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Foul Grammar !

Installing a Husband 1.0 version

MURPHY'S ADDITIONAL LAWS

Save the Village

Education....

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

Great names in history

ON MARRIAGE...

Wisdom

Computers can not be fooled

mechanic&Doctor

Very Clever

Ol' Blue

AN OLD MAN WITH HIS GIRL FRIEND

THE BEAUTY OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE UNDONE

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

The Good Husband

High School Exit Exam.....!!

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Understanding Engineers

GREAT NEWS "AT LONG LAST"..... Euro.Commision official language!!

A woman without her man is nothing

Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?

Now I know whats wrong with me, finally!!!!

The Whys of Men (R) written by women!

The Darwins are out!!!! HILARIOUS

Will you try Dr Phil Personality Test ?

It's Hell to be Old (PG)

Getting old

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

(R) You Need Oil Change!!!!!!

Riddle for the true intellectual.

Presence of Mind

No fee

Financial planning

CAP ESTEL TUNNEL

INDIAN SCHOOL of BUSINESS - LESSON 1

Short rated "R" spicy jokes

Blonde Mortician

British hospitality

A forwarded joke to heaven

AUSTRALIAN BUSINESSMEN

CLEAN YOUR KIDNEYS IN LESS THAN $1.00

Unused Items

وأنت مش أنت وأنت جعان...

أحنا ما عندناش أزمة في الدين...